Monday, 01 June 2009

  • John & Caroline Plus Baker

    Me and Baker


    I posed an asinine question to the hubs the other day (as I oft do), after a mind-numbing Memorial Day Jon & Kate weekend marathon:


    What would make us special enough to have our own TLC show?


    I'm not sure if he's ever come so close to bitch slapping me before, but it would have been warranted (at least that's what I'd tell the authorities). My whine is about as high-pitched and just nearly as effective as Baker’s, thus allowing me to watch ungodly amounts of TLC reality shows — affectionately dubbed "The Freakshow Family Line-up." John's had to tolerate episodes of 18 Kids & Counting, Little People Big World, and my personal fave, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. (Seriously, it's deserving of its own future blog post. I wish I was a fly on the wall when that one was proposed to the TLC execs. "Synopsis: Mom thinks she has indigestion. Baby lands in toilet. And we've got enough of these to make a whole series! C'MON!")


    So you can imagine, as two of the 9.8 million that tuned in to watch the heartbreaking Jon & Kate season premiere, it would be a death sentence to want any kind of publicity, let alone season after season of your private life becoming public at the expense of your freak family.


    Though our problem wouldn't be what happens after the show shoots up the Nielsen ratings. It'd be finding something interesting enough to theme a show around.


    Our current Yawn Factors:

    Average height
    Non-volatile marriage
    No kids
    One (1) cat that sleeps 23 of 24 hours
    One (1) wife that sleeps 23 of 24 hours
    No celebrity friends/relatives
    No celebrity-related job (unless a cartoon toucan counts)
    No extreme-sporting tendencies/survivalist needs


    But since the tragic majority of these shows are scripted, anyway, we might as well get creative and fabricate our own storylines. Here's what I'm pitching:

    Baker Wears A Cat Cam
    Tagline: "If you don't have a life, borrow one of her nine."
    In lieu of the pet camera, we strap on a video camera for a 24-hour live feed. A "very special episode" would be dedicated to the expelling of a hairball.

    I Left My Husband for Tim Tebow
    Tagline: "For the love of God, you would, too."
    The cameras would document my successful seduction of the studly, pious Florida QB, leaving my hubs in the dust. Hubs would have his ultimate revenge with a Tina Fey affair somewhere in the second season.

    I Didn't Know I Was Already On A Show
    Tagline: "Is this real life?"
    My worst nightmare comes alive as I realize I'm living a Truman-esque unreality, where the whole world has been staged for me and John is actually a paid actor. Seriously, am I the only one who reaches this level of paranoia?


    Well, I'm spent. But if you have ideas for me to pitch, send 'em my way. Anything involving artificial insemination is ill-advised.



Monday, 27 April 2009

Sunday, 26 April 2009

  • Things Our Cat Has Rejected. (Part I of Infinity)



    fatso
    Issuer of all Rejections




    1. Ikea Cat House (or Haus if your Euro kitteh prefers)

    ikea_cat


    We thought: What a svelte addition to our decor, and such a lovely nest to aid in elevated bird-watching!

    She thought: Bastards. Did you forget about my weight "issue"? I can barely squeeze my head into this god-forsaken hole. And don't think you can lure me up that pile of twigs. Do you really want to see me topple, paws up, with a piece of featherlite furniture 1/100th of my weight? Ikea. Puh.




    2. Everything but the "wet" in wet food.

    fancy-feast-goblets


    We thought: A delish treat to reward our good kitteh with from time to time.

    She thought: Do you know what this stuff is? It's the stuff made from stuff that can't even be called stuff. But you know what? Because I'm nice, I'll do my best to carefully eat around it and only lick up the gravy. You can then tend to the dried up crap that will remain stuck to my bowl.




    3. Dry shampoo.

    johnsons-veterinary-products-shampoo-6186-4188_medium


    We thought: What a great solution! Instead of subjecting her to a bath, we can comb in some shampoo!

    She thought: WHAAAAT THE HELLLLLL IS THAAAT?????? Oh my god. Oh my god. *Leaps up with a tentative sniff* I smell like patchouli. I SMELL LIKE F-ING PATCHOULI!!!!! This is going to take days to clean out. *Furious licking* Days.





    4. Cat harness.

    size-rite-cat-harness-12-18-x-3-8-


    We thought: Now we can take Baker for fun walks outside, just like a little doggie! Awwww.

    She thought: This is so, so, so wrong. My fat rolls are bursting forth from these straps, and I'm pretty sure they're cutting off my circulation. And now you actually think I want to follow you on a leash? Instead, I will demonstrate how stupid, inconceivable, and wasteful your little idea was. *Lays motionless on the floor as we pull her around like a toy xylophone, chortling with glee*



    Additions forthcoming.




    Addendum: One Thing Our Cat Has Not Rejected



    1. National Geographic Pet's-Eye View Camera

    AAAADH9DS5sAAAAAABwHzQ

    We thought: No way. She will never wear this. This is like cat torture. But...but maybe we'll get some awesome shots like Mr. Lee. (Retrospective author's note: In that five seconds of our attempt at shopping logic, we decided to ignore the fact that Mr. Lee was an active outdoor cat and Baker is "lethargically inclined" and regrettably confined to an amazing 700 sq ft of blue carpet.)

    She thought: Baroo? I'll actually let this one pass.


    The results:

    MARS0003

    Yawn.


    MARS0005

    Eyeing her bff, the scratch pad, that's been put away for vacuuming time.


    MARS0008

    C'mon Baker. WTF.


    MARS0014

    Compelling composition. Definitely in her blue period.






Wednesday, 22 April 2009

  • Unintentional green-ness.


    Earth_50


    I just learned that my parents keep a compost pile. A COMPOST PILE. Even John and I haven't entered that realm of hippiedom. All their scraps (sans meat, of course) are kept in a neat lump in the backyard under some leaves. From time to time, Mom goes out there with a rake and makes sure to turn the pile over. They're using it to help feed their budding garden of daikon radishes and other vegetables.

    Then I learn that they've switched to using reusable bags that they've BOUGHT from stores. No giveaways and bribes...BOUGHT. If you are not familiar with Asian parents, you should (a) not be on Xanga and (b) let me enlighten you.

    My Asian parents used to hoard paper and plastic bags to the point in which our garage became a substitute landfill. The mentality is: if it's free, always take more! I don't think they ever bought actual garbage bags for the span of my 20+ years living there. The technique involves placing a paper bag within a plastic bag (which accounts for the inevitable leakage of garbage juice). There is great pride in this. When they saw that I was buying actual garbage bags for my college apartment, I instantly became their biggest life disappointment.

    So for my parents to be SPENDING MONEY on reusable bags and, in effect, poo-poohing the entire notion of hoarding freebie plastics and paper, has really just undefined my whole notion of their very fiber of existence (which was to do everything opposite I would do, therefore making them severely "unhip").

    With Earth Day here and all this suffocating do-gooding about carbon footprints, I'm realizing that Asian parents are probably THE most green community. Think about all the unintentional (read: cheap) green things they've been doing:


    Saving and reusing wrapping paper.

    Saving and reusing takeout containers, utensils.

    Growing their own food (mostly Asian vegetables).

    Keeping the thermostat at 150 degrees in summer and -12 in winter.

    Handwashing dishes.

    Never bagging the grass clippings.

    Buying local from the town's Asian grocery.

    Carpooling the kids.

    Making origami tabletop trash containers out of old magazines.

    Sharing the one (1) communal subscription to Asian newspapers, even if they're 12-months old by the time you get your turn.



    I'll add to this list if I think of more, or if you'd like to contribute.


    Related link: Stuff Korean Moms Like
    The brightest gem in the blogosphere. Even though I'm not Korean, this rings so true. I did show it to Mom, who nearly gave me full-fledged stank eye.


Tuesday, 14 April 2009

  • The otherworldly gastronomic experience that is Chick-fil-a.

    Chickfila
    I spent 20 minutes of my life making this graphic homage.
    LIKE it.



    To my fellow unfortunate souls who live in the larger metropolitan areas of the Midwest or the West Coast, I'd like to introduce you to one of the most glorious, divine concepts in fast food history: the Chick-fil-a.

    The menu is simple and modest, but perfectly attuned to your cravings. Fries are waffled. Tea comes sweet. And chicken is nuggeted into bite-sized morsels of sweet, slightly crispy delights. Do not even get me started on their mini breakfast biscuits.

    When you order a kids meal (and they never give you shame for that), you can go up to the smiling folks at the registers and trade your toy for a free soft-serve cone or cup.

    There are only two downfalls to Chick-fil-a in my eyes:

    1. They aren't in Chicago.
    2. They are closed on Sundays.

    The latter I can understand. As a wholesome family franchise, they give their employees Sundays off to worship. (Oh, bless them.) But the former, I really would like to do something about. Though it looks like Facebook is already gathering the troops:


    fbchickfila



    A FB friend also happened to have a perfectly timed status:

    ...would do unspeakable things for a Chik-Fil-A™ to be erected in Santa Monica.


    This inspired me to actually fill out one of those damned Top 5 apps to share in his agony, in which this one was conveniently called Best Fast Food:

    fbtop5

    Thus, spurring a continuing conversation as to what would actually go on this working Unspeakable Things list.

    His were naturally hilarious:

    1. Kill a man in cold blood
    2. Listen to the soundtrack of "Mama Mia!" on loop for 5 hours
    3. Tell people I care about that "Frasier" was the best sitcom EVER
    4. Plaster a giant, shirtless picture of Rex Grossman and Tim Tebow on my ceiling above my bed
    5. Open tongue kiss Anne Coulter

    And mine failed in comparison:

    1. Become a full-fledged USC fan (either one applies)
    2. Kill the actual chicken that goes into my nuggets
    3. Produce Kevin Federline's fourth child
    4. Watch Lost and feign interest during the watercooler discussions
    5. Own a Hummer

    I think, though, with our combined efforts, we might get our respective Chick-fil-a's eventually. Meanwhile, I'll be dreaming of those waffle fries and ice cream cones. And feeding them to Tim Tebow.